about traffic, writing, criticism

I had a really bad workshop of a story I wrote in one of my classes last week.

I mean like left-wanting-to-change-my-name-and-move-to-another-state/cried-in-the-shower-afterwards/thought-about-igniting-all-existing-copies-of-my-story-in-flames bad. I just left feeling like I was potentially the worst writer ever, and wondered what I was doing with my life, and was overwhelmed and.....pathetic. Yes, re-read this first paragraph and if you didn't get it the first time - I was being absurdly pathetic.

Here is what I've learned about myself in the past year. I'm super awful at taking criticism. Because instead of using it like directions of where to go from there, I treat it like a roadblock.

And, because I am a cheesy, metaphor-obsessed poetry nerd, I was thinking about this today as I got stuck at a stoplight, and it seemed appropriate. Because criticism (of the constructive sort) is kind of like that, you know? Or should be. It should be a red flag (or, traffic light) telling you that you've got something to learn and improve on. And you should have to pause there for a little bit. You should have to sit in your car and pump the breaks impatiently and be irritated and upset and just think about it for awhile. You should get to know that spot you're sitting at, all its surroundings, how it feels to be there when you want to be somewhere else. And then, when the light turns green and you've gotten all you can from it, you just gotta go. Move on. Try not to circle around back to that same light. Try a better way. But keep driving. Think of your mistakes as a thing of the past, but an important part of the trip.

So this past week, after reading and re-reading and marinating on a particularly nasty comment sheet from my story, I decided the light was green and I needed to just get going.

I put down those critical comments and I mustered up some courage to look at the remaining notes my class gave me, and you know what? A lot of them were good. A lot of them said things like "this is really lovely" and "I adored this" and "congratulations on writing such a patient and beautiful story". And you know what's funny? Those comments were there all along, but I wasn't letting myself reach them. I got too stuck in the potholes (alright - metaphor getting out of hand) of criticism to reach anything good.

I'm thinking it's probably pretty darn likely that I'll face criticism again. If it isn't about my writing it'll be about something else. I can't avoid it. It'd be like trying to avoid red lights in Charlottesville - just not going to happen. The only thing I can change is how I react, and what direction I head afterwards.

And guess what? When I'm a super famous (HA) and rich (double HA) poet, I'll look back at those critical comments and say "Hey, thanks Criticism - glad you didn't hold me up too long."